50 Things I Learned on the Way to 40
I just remembered this advice article I wrote on the eve(ish) of my 40th birthday, so I grabbed Mr. Peabody and hopped into the Internet Wayback Machine to dig it up. We accidentally overshot and ended up hanging out in the Roman Empire for a while, but hey – what fun!
Lists are all the rage on the Interwebs right now, so I decided to compile a smattering of things I’ve learned in the last 40 years and then rub my listicle all over you for my birthday. Some of these are hard-learned lessons still reeking of my shame stink, some are advice or things I learned by watching others, some are things I’m still struggling to live by. I’ll let you decide which is which – here’s 40 years of learnin’ in no particular order.
PS – I’m not responsible for the consequences if you fortune cookie the list by adding “…in bed.”
- Make sure you have a towel before you get in the shower.
- In all things, do your best not to be a douchebag.
- Kill them with kindness.
- There is no time in this world for being a wallflower and being shy gets you nowhere.
- Don’t believe the florist when he tells you that the roses are free.
- The words “I’m fine” and “maybe” are pretty much never true.
- Mend fences with your siblings if you have to, because regret is some heavy shit. Same goes for parents.
- Don’t let your ego get in the way of your happiness – there are times when you have to ask yourself “Would I rather be right, or would I rather be happy?”
- Always check the drive through bag before you start the car.
- The Cake is a Lie and A Cookie is a Sometime Food.
- Floss your teeth every day – if you don’t there will be mouth consequences.
- Ask for more money than you think you deserve, because you can’t negotiate up.
- If you want to get anything pierced, get it done professionally, especially below the neck. Trust me on this.
- Try at least two bites of any food that is offered to you (unless it makes you fear for your life), even if you’re 100% sure you won’t like it.
- Sympathize and empathize with the people around you, but don’t take on their mood unless it’s an upgrade.
- If you’re trying to calculate how many hours of sleep you really NEED before work, it’s time to have the bartender call a cab.
- Sometimes it’s OK to be the beta dog, at least until you learn what it takes to be the alpha.
- Sometimes the Irish Goodbye is your only option, no matter what Emily Post says.
- Don’t act like you’re the most important person in the room, but don’t feel like you’re the least important person either.
- Reading is fundamental.
- Never wait in line longer than 10 minutes for brunch unless your heart is in it.
- Don’t roll the dice on whether it’s poop or a fart.
- If you’re over 21 and someone asks to see your ID, try not to get salty about it.
- Learn how to say “That’s just like…your opinion, man,” and mean it.
- If you’re trying to choose between driving and walking, walk it.
- Keep yourself busy – it’ll help you stay out of trouble.
- Don’t be afraid to be the first one to laugh at you.
- Listen more than you talk.
- The more open your mind is, the less often you’ll be surprised.
- You have all the tools you need to be happy; don’t let anyone take them away.
- “Pull my finger” is a terrible pickup line.
- Always… no, no… never… forget to check your references.
- If you don’t ask for it, there’s a good chance you won’t get it.
- If you say you’re going to do something, do your dead level best to do it.
- There are times to open your mouth, and there are times to put your head down. Figure out which is which.
- The only way to win an argument is not to get caught up in it.
- There’s a difference between cool and hip, and there’s a difference between funny and clever at someone’s expense. Generally aim for the former.
- There are a lot of times when getting the last word is a terrible idea.
- If they think you’re crude, go technical; if they think you’re technical, go crude.
- If you just met and s/he says it’s cool to not use a condom, it’s pretty definitely not cool to not use a condom.
- If you’re managing people, you work for them just as much as they work for you. Your job in a nutshell is to help them be be good at their jobs.
- There’s always room for Jello.
- When you’re interviewing for a job, you are also interviewing them.
- People are trustworthy until proven untrustworthy.
- Sometimes the best way to make things less awkward is make things as awkward as they can get.
- There’s a non-zero chance that the person you have a crush on also has a crush on you.
- Don’t put metal in the science oven.
- Nothing in the world looks more ridiculous than a man wearing nothing but a t-shirt, unless it’s a naked man in socks.
- No matter how often you think you’re doing 80% of the work in your relationship, your parter/spouse thinks the same thing, just as often.
- Giving is way more fun than receiving, but don’t forget to give to yourself.
Image via Deviant Art